Starting EDMR

Today is my first treatment with EDMR.  I am so nervous. I'm nervous because I am going to be facing some experiences in my life that I don't really want to face. I know that doing this will help me, at least I hope so.  I want to be able to control myself, and to make good sound choices.  I don't want to just let things happen and not feel like I don't have any control over myself and my actions.  

I wish I could explain it, explain what happens to me sometimes, especially when I drink.  It's like my ego totally takes over.  My soul is no longer trying to keep us in line, on our path. My soul checks out and says," ok you're on your own", or in other words, the little angel on my right shoulder says, "utt oh I'm out of here!" I don't get it.  It's not only when I drink either.  Sometimes I feel a difference in my head.  It feels different when I am conscious and when I am just watching my ego doing it's thing, eating out of control, talking too much, doing stupid things. 

Maybe it's all part of the plan?  Maybe it's what keeps my soul moving forward and growing, becoming the person of God that I'm trying to become. Maybe.

Happiness

 Am I happy? If I am not happy what will make me happy?

Mental health

  counseling

  prayer

  tao te ching

  letting go

  research

physical health

  lose weight

  plant based whole food no oil no salt

    plan, plan, plan!!

  forever painless

serving god

being outside in nature

being creative

using my voice

just being

doing what I love for a living

  joining makers club

learning

being kind and compassionate 

Can I be happy without all or any of these things?

Just Be

 Just be....

Why do I find it so hard to just be?

Be still

Be quiet

Be me

Be patient

Why am I so sad?

 Why am I so sad? 

Life is so hard most of the time.

I am really really stressed because:

   I am married to a covert narcissist that is mentally abusive and refuses to help around the house or to parent our son which leads to being constantly behind in everything. I feel totally overwhelmed all the time.  

   The pandemic and all of the stupid people not taking it seriously.

   President Trump and all of the horrible things he has done and continues to do, and all of the blind people that follow him.

   I am parallelized with fear about moving forward with a career change. Which is affecting us financially.

   Tracy's cancer.

   Tracy's diabetes. 

I am lonely.

Tracy doesn't participate in our marriage at all.

I am afraid that I am never going to be mentally healthy because of all of the abuse I have endured and that I am not strong enough to overcome it.

   I feel like I am so screwed up.

I am afraid that I have negatively affected my children because of my mental illness and the abuse that I endured.  I am afraid that I too have abused them mentally without realizing it. I'm also afraid that my decisions have had bad consequences for them and their lives.  

I am afraid that I will be alone or that if I do attempt to have another relationship some day that I will make another bad choice.

I cannot control my diet.  I know that eating a plant based diet is the healthiest way to eat, but I cannot stick to it. I totally believe that eating dairy and eggs is abusive to the animals, yet  I continue to eat dairy and eggs.  I make excuses. I tell myself that I can't stop and that it's too hard.  I feel like a failure because now my cholesterol is high and Dr. Taylor wants to put me on medication. 

I'm worried that I am an alcoholic.  I feel like I need a drink in the evening.  I like the numb feeling in my head.  It feels like a little break.  I feel physically uncomfortable when I don't have my evening beer. 

What can I do or not do?

   Just breath.

   Pray

   Be grateful. 

   Keep reading about healing from narcissistic abuse

   Keep working on getting Andrew to help around the house.

   Learn how to set boundaries and use my voice.

   Don't worry about things I cannot control.

   Take baby steps.

   Don't beat myself up when I fail.

   Be kind to myself.