Naming Our Farm!

Well, I've finally decided on a name for our farm...The Little House In The Woods Farm...I might drop the "The" to shorten it a little, but that's it!!  Yay!  

It was really hard to pick a name.  I thought about it a lot.  I thought at first I wanted to name it Philothea's Journey because it's such a big part of my journey, but it just didn't feel right.  

I tossed around a few other names, like Philothea's Little Farm, and The Little Farm In The Woods, but nothing was clicking.

Then, my husband and I were on the swing by the pond when he said to me, "do you still love your little house in the woods?"  and it clicked!  

I know it's wordy buy I think it is perfect!

Starting over!

This is it!  I have always wanted to do this and I am going to do this.  I don't know why I don't.  I don't know why I procrastinate and why I don't sit down and write.  Maybe I'm afraid of failure.  I think looking at my page views and realizing that no one is reading has made it hard to do it, but no more.  If I fail, I fail! I'm not going to look at the page views any more!  Plus, I'm going to add ads...maybe that will lead people to me.  I know I can do this!  I'm not sure why, but I know in my heart that this is what I'm supposed to do.  No more putting it off!

There are so many things I've wanted to do in my life but never did them because of my lack of self esteem and the fear of failure.  I cannot let this happen again!

I'm going to pray and pray and not procrastinate!  I have a big list of things I want to write about and dammit I'm going to write about those things.

I'm laughing at myself right now!  I sound like a weird life coach!  LOL!

Oh well!

If I don't give it my all I will never know if I could have been successful.

I'm not sure why I feel so strongly about doing a blog.  Maybe it's that little girl in me trying to get attention.  I don't know.  I think that I really, really want to do it because I love to learn and I want to pass on the things that I learn plus hopefully learn from others.

We'll see.

I read somewhere that a good way to get people to visit your blog is to visit other people's blogs and get involved and then they may be interested in what you are doing and visit your blog.  I actually do subscribe to  several blogs, but I don't usually make comments.  So, there is another thing that I will start doing.  I will start commenting on other people's blogs!

So much to do and to learn.  I'm excited and ready to go!

I wish myself luck!!

We're Here!!

Philothea's Little Farm

 

Yay!!

 

We moved in on February 19th!  It took us until February 29th to be totally out of the lake house.  I never want to move again!  Especially with the steps!  

over 29 of them!!  

 

Now the unpacking!!  I've started a little, but first I had to recover from the move.  Tuesday the 1st I slept a lot and even Wednesday I took a two hour nap.  Today I am ready to get started with the next part of my journey!  

 

I've started to work on my recovery again.  I am a Acon....an Adult Child Of A Narcissist.  I kind of put my recovery on hold while I was moving but I am ready to to go!  I did some more reading yesterday.  There are many good blogs by other survivors and also some professional sites that offer information.  I'm planning to talk more about this soon.

 

I also want to get started on my little farm!  I have soooo much work to do!!  It is not in very good shape.  The previous owner had tons of projects started but not finished, and he trashed the property by driving his huge tractor all over the place!  He cut down tons of trees and left them in big piles!  Besides getting the property in shape I want to get started on my big project...Vermicomposting!!  I've decided that is going to be a big focus of my little farm.  One of the things I'm looking into is collecting food scraps from city people who don't want to or can't compost and vermicomposting it, then selling the "black gold" worm castings at local farmers markets and on line.  We'll see.

 

I'm soooo excited to be on my journey!!

 

Leaving The Lake And Major Life Changes

This month I will be leaving the lake that I have lived on since I was ten.  We bought a small farm 30 minutes east of here in Randolph Township.  I am both so excited and so sad at the same time.  

Great Picture....Perfect Imagery

 The picture above says so much.  This is the lake in the late summer with a beautiful rainbow that shows the hope that I feel for the future and the end of a wonderful experience.

Living on the lake has been so wonderful.  I've seen wonderful beautiful things over the years.  I've seen beautiful sunrises and sunsets like the sunrise below.

 Our house faces north east so we couldn't see the sunset, but we could see how is shown on the opposite side.

In the spring I saw nature getting ready for new life.

 

The summers were beautiful, full of green!!

The lake was even beautiful in the winter.

I loved exploring the lake every summer, it was always changing.

I'll miss seeing the beautiful Great Blue Herron that live on the lake.

I've made so many huge life changes the last few months. I quit my job at my family's business.  I had been there for almost 30 years.  I disconnected myself from my parents and finally started to grow up! I'm moving from the home that I kind of built 20 years ago (more on that later), and I'm leaving the lake that I love.

All of these endings are also beginnings! Beginnings that I am so excited about!  I can't wait to be on my very own farm and I can't wait to see what God has in store for me as my journey continues!

 

When A Chicken Isn't A Chicken!

This is Henrietta.  Henrietta is a Rhode Island Red "chicken".  Henrietta does not realize that she is a chicken!  I'm not sure what she thinks she is.  Sometimes I think she thinks she's a dog...

...sometimes I think she thinks she's a cat...

sorry can't find any good ones with her acting like a cat...

...sometimes she thinks she's a kid....

She's helping them make a periodic table!!

 

 

 I'm not sure anymore!!  Sometimes she even still acts like a chicken....

She laid this on her brother's bed this morning!

Lol...

She loves her family though!!  No matter what she thinks she is!!

 

How Not To Panic When You Have No Hot Water!

I didn't even notice at first!  I got up as usual...4:30 am, got the coffee, woke up my husband, packed the lunches, made my husband's breakfast.  Everything was going great, I was on schedule!  Ten till seven and it's time for my bonus baby's bath.  I cleaned the tub real fast, rinsed, and started the water.  Waiting for the hot water to get up to the third floor, waiting, waiting, nope just luke warm water.  I tried the sink, actually both sinks, nope just warm.  NO HOT WATER!!! Not good!  

I went down to tell my husband.  He was leaving for work but told me what to look for.  I was supposed to check to see if the pilot light was on.  Okay...never did this before, I didn't even know where to look!  He looked at the hot water heater and said look at the bottom toward the back.  Okay!  

I saw nothing!  

He said, "pilot light is out!", 

I said "WONDERFUL!"

Then he said "it could be the thermocouple."

I said "WONDERFUL!" 

I said, "can I fix that?"  He said "probably".  Okay!  I can do this!  

He showed me where the directions were on the hot water heater to relight the pilot.

He left for work!  

I got a flash light and a magnifying glass ( I knew I wouldn't be able to see it). The very first thing I saw was the top that said,

FOR YOUR SAFETY READ BEFORE LIGHTING

Warning:  If you do not follow these directions exactly, a fire or explosion may result causing property damage, personal injury or loss of life.

Now, I was a little scared!  But I did not panic.  I took a deep breath an read on.

I did exactly what it said to do.  I got right down on the floor and smelled for gas.  Nope, no gas smell.  Yay!  

Next step.

I read the lighting instructions.  I read them three times!  I did not want to have a explosion this morning!

So, I followed the first step which is to turn the little knob to the off position.

I did that.  OFF!  

Now you have to let it sit for 5 minutes.  Okay.  Got It.

While I was waiting I started thinking about the whole thermocouple question.  I knew what a thermocouple does, and I knew that I might have to replace it, so I did what I always do when I need to know how to do something I've never done...I googled it!  Right away I found a video.  I watched the video.  Okay...now I knew exactly how to tell if I was going to have to replace the thermocouple and how to do it!  

Yay!  

Okay, five minutes were up.

I read the directions again.  

I took off the little doors.  That in it's self was not fun. Bad design! 

I studied the diagram on the instructions. 

I studied the inside of the burner area.

I determined which was the pilot and which was the thermocouple.

While I was studying the burner area I remembered the video talking about getting any debris off of the burner.  Debris could clog the burner and cause it to not function well.  Wow was there a ton of debris!  I scooped it all off and put it on the floor beside the tank.

It was time!

I held my breath.

I moved the knob from the off position to the pilot position. 

I lit the pilot light!!!  

Yay!

Now the real test....will it stay lit?  If it doesn't stay lit, I will have to replace the thermocouple.  

It stayed lit!!!!  Yay!

I turned the temperature knob to hot, and the burner came on!!

Yay!!

Then, I realized I couldn't put the stupid little doors back on with the burner on so I had to turn it down again.  I think I used a bad word.

So, I turned it down and messed around with the little doors for at least five minutes!  Finally I said too bad and left them kind of on and kind of off!

Oh well!

The pilot is lit and we have hot water again!!

I didn't panic, and I fixed it myself!

Yay!  ( I love that word!)

How I Beat Depression

I beat depression!!  Yay!! 

That's not to say that I don't get depressed.  I do sometimes for days, or weeks.  The difference is that the depression I feel now is situational not chemical.  In other words, I'm depressed about a specific thing happening in my life, I'm not just depressed.  

I'm pretty sure I suffered from depression from a very early age.  I can remember being in 6th grade and wanting to kill myself. 

  

Why? 

Why do I and many other people suffer from depression?  Well, I'm not a doctor, but my personal opinion is that part of it is genetic, part of it is how we are raised, and part of it is how we think (which comes from how we are raised).  

When?

I knew something was wrong with me;  I knew I wasn't "normal", but I didn't know what.

At the time (my early 20's), my Grandmother was slowly killing her self with depression.  She wasn't eating, she was taking huge amounts of laxatives, and refusing to bathe or go anywhere.  It was horrible.  Of course she was diagnosed with depression.  All of a sudden it hit me!  Ohhhh that's what's wrong with me.  I decided then, I wasn't going to die like that!

How?  

That's the long part!!  First thing I did was go to my family doctor and get on anti- depressants!  That was a waste of time...I thought...he put me on Prozac.  It did nothing for me!  

So...I started going to counseling.  I loved it, it was hard, but I loved it!  I loved learning about changing how I thought, and how to deal with my feelings.  

I thought I was cured!  I could do this without drugs!  

Wrong!!!  It was sooo hard to try and control my depression with just controlling how I thought!  It was almost as exhausting as the depression was. 

New family doctor...went to him, he put me on Wellbutrin.  That didn't work!  

My life was a wreck, I was in a horrible marriage, I had two small children, I worked in a very stressful environment, I was exhausted!  My depression was unbelievable.  I just wanted to die, but I knew I couldn't kill my self because of my kids.  The next thing I thought of was to let myself have a nervous breakdown, but I was afraid of what would happen to my kids, and how I would come out the other side.  Would I even come out?  I started looking for help.  I couldn't afford counseling, the co-pay was horrible!  The first counseling I got was free because I was a University of Akron student and I saw counselors that were PHD students.  I was so desperate.  

I don't even remember how it happened.  Somehow I ended up at a psychiatrist office.  That was covered under my insurance, and the co-pay wasn't too bad.  He started me on Wellbutrin again.  He wanted to see how it would work.  Same!!  

He didn't give up and I didn't either!  He explained to me WHY  I had depression.  He explained that my brain wasn't making the chemicals I needed to feel "normal".  

We tried adjusting the dosage.  Same!

I think I was on Wellbutrin for about a year.  We decided to try another.

Next came Effexor.  At first I noticed a small change.  Yay!  But it wasn't big!  I didn't feel not depressed.  So again, we adjusted the dosage.  I kept feeling better and better.  Finally he said...well, we're going to try the highest dosage allowed.  I was a little scared but I said okay.  

Wow!!  Finally, some relief!  I still had to work hard to control my thoughts, and it kind of wore off at night.  I was on the time released stuff.  I took it in the morning because if I took it at night I couldn't sleep.  By evening I really could have used more!  But I felt pretty good compared to how I used to.  

This went on for a few years (I've been with the same psychiatrist for 15+ years).  The whole time he kept trying to get me to take fish oil.  I don't know why I wouldn't.  I kept telling him I would but I didn't.  Every 3 months he would ask me if I was taking it.  I kept promising I would.  I didn't.  I had a hard enough time remembering to take my Effexor in the morning!

Time was moving on...I was divorced from the first husband,  I was remarried.  I got pregnant!  I was happy, but I was scared...I had to go off my antidepressant!  Antidepressants can cause birth defects.  I knew I had to...It sucked!!  The withdraw was horrible!  

Dealing with the depression was horrible.  My body doesn't do pregnant very well so  I was puking every day and I was horribly constipated!!  So, I felt like shit and I was battling my depression without medication.  I knew that as soon as I was finished nursing I needed to get back on my medication.

Insurance companies!!   My doctor had to change my diagnosis because the insurance company wouldn't pay for the medication because I had gone off of it, so I must be cured....ha ha.  Anyway he changed my diagnosis and we were on again!!  Yay!!

Again, I felt better but not totally.

My husband lost his job!  No insurance, but we were able to take money from his 401K and get COBRA.  Wow, it was so expensive, but we did it.  I was able to stay on my medication.

New job, new insurance.  

New insurance wouldn't pay for the time released Effexor.  OH MY GOODNESS!  I was so frustrated and so scared but my doctor was so reassuring.  He switched me to the new generic that wasn't time released!  It was amazing!!  I took it twice a day instead of once and I felt good all day and all evening!  Yay!!

I also finally gave in to my doctor and started to take fish oil.  WOW!!!  Fish oil is amazing!  I finally felt absolutely no depression (except situational)!  I take 3- 2000 units a day. 

 

That's how I beat depression.  It wasn't overnight. It took over 12 years. It was a long hard road but,

I NEVER GAVE UP!!!

I knew I wanted to beat it; I knew I wanted to feel good.

I did it, and I still am doing it!

It was worth it!

 

  

Being Me!

I was cleaning up chicken poop, feeding the cats, and trying to think of how I wanted to start my blog; when it hit me! I should start by just being me...as I am learning about being me!  I'm 47 and really just now learning who I am and how to be me.  I'm very excited.  I've lived most of my life being a daughter, a mother, a wife, a salesperson, and I still am those things but I'm finally realizing that I am so much more.

I've been trying to figure out exactly who I am for a long time.  It's always been very hard though, I think it is because I never really had a voice before. I just listened, never really spoke unless I was asking someone a question. I didn't know I could, or that I was allowed. When I did try and use my voice it usually came out when I was angry....I would explode!!  No one really listens to people that are exploding, they just want to get away.

Finally, there was someone who wanted to listen to me.  He asked me how I felt about working for my parents, and how I was dealing with all of the anger that I felt.  I said things out loud that I never had spoken out loud before; it was amazing! That's when I started to find my voice. He helped me by just listening.  He was a "rainbow in my cloud" that poet Maya Angelou wrote and talked about.  I will always be so grateful to him.

My life has changed so much since that day.  I've used my voice so much more. 

We're all on a journey whether we realize it or not.  I've always realized it, but I wasn't really excited about it.  I'm excited now!  I want to talk about it.  So, that's what I'm going to do!